What do I have to do?!?!

Admittedly, this was me for most of my life:

My touch was poison to anything with roots. If I walked into a greenhouse or down the aisle of a store with live plants, I could sense the quaking of their stems and leaves in terror. Oh please…don’t let the Botanical Reaper pick me! Seriously. I managed to kill cacti, and those things need a tablespoon of water, what? Once a year or so?
About a decade ago, however, the condition I referred to as ‘the black thumb of death’ mysteriously cured itself and I found that I was able to keep plants not only alive, but thriving. As long as Trent and Zoe didn’t target them for destruction, of course. There was nothing that gave me more joy as a former mass murderer of flora than successfully seeing my tomatoes through to ripeness and feeding them to my family. The journey has not been without casualties but my Gerber Daisies have been alive for almost three years, my avocado saplings are strong, my mint is healthy and whatever the hell that other pot of greenery is (grown from a bag of random seeds, so I really have no idea) seems very happy in the front window. Since my husband is utterly freaked out by the idea of my starting an organic garden because he says it will take too much of my attention away from the children my planting has been limited to pots in a window, but I’m really happy knowing I have the potential to eventually grow at least some of our own food.
So imagine my dismay at the slow decline of my Lucky Bamboo. It did so well for the first year or so. Now the leaves are turning yellow and I have no idea why. Online research has yielded lots of information, but thus far none of it has produced any results. I took it out of direct sunlight and nothing changed. I moved it to a bigger pot and still it languishes. I’ve trimmed it, made sure the rocks in the bowl are clean and free of algae, bacterial grunge and anything else that might harm it and still it looks sad. I don’t get it. A few months ago it had new shoots and shiny, healthy leaves. I’m starting to know how it felt to be Seymour:

I’d bleed a little for it if I thought that would actually help. It hasn’t asked. But I would.
What do I have to do to nurse this thing back to health? Give it imported Chinese spring water? Have sex with it? Incantations in Latin? WHAT?!
That Bamboo is the only living thing I have that isn’t currently thriving. This does not give Momma the big happy. I’m going to try trimming it again, giving it distilled water and rotating it once a day so that both sides get equal light. If none of that works…well, I’m not sure what to do. It’s still too early in the game to whip out the sex magick or let it drink my blood, but those options are certainly up for consideration.
Maybe I’ll play a little Stevie Nicks for it. That tends to perk me up. Couldn’t hurt.


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